EPISODE 003 – Get to know me: daddy issues
Episode 003 is where I discuss the mental traps of a broken family and how to let go.
By the age of 17, I declared that I wasn’t having any children. First of all, nearly half of my high school senior class had babies – and I could see the fear in my friends’ eyes. The fear of raising a baby alone, the fear of raising a child in a less than ideal situation, the fear of being trapped for the rest of their lives. I didn’t want that. One of my biggest fears is being trapped. As an only child who was basically left to raise myself; I became so independent of everything that I needed no one and I needed no one to rely on me. I had years to develop that skill of total independence but I still looked for a partner. Someone to fly away with me.
Well, let me tell you… Trying to find a black man to understand my gypsy spirit and that I truly wanted a carefree child-free life was tiresome. I do believe that every man that I ever dated (all men of color) wanted at least one child and all of them thought that I should feel the same way. I, especially, didn’t date men with children because I didn’t want to be involved in the baby mama drama and I didn’t want someone else’s bad kids jumping on my furniture and tearing up my house when I couldn’t discipline them. I was called selfish and a whole lot of other things whenever the subject of children came up. Everyone is not born to reproduce or even like children. And that was me. Period.
It just got to the point that the longest I ever dated any man was 6 months and that was only because he lived in another state. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder because I accepted a lot of messiness from him that I wouldn’t have tolerated from any other man living nearby.
I dated another man for about 4 months and I thought I was in love but as soon as he proposed marriage, I regretted saying yes. He was a great guy, fun to be around, and he lit me up from the inside out, but with the sudden and reoccurring nightmares that I had of being tied up with rope and thrown into the ocean, I realized that I had some serious issues. A week or so later, I was sitting in my father’s basement trying to understand why he would abandon me completely when we lived in the same city. The conversation wasn’t pretty, nothing was resolved, I returned the ring, and felt horrible about the breakup. But I wasn’t ready to be a wife and I actually didn’t want to be one. Growing up, I had zero examples of how to be a good partner in anything and I needed to learn that before jumping into marriage.
Nonetheless, I stuck to my resolution. I did not succumb to the darkness by looking for my Daddy in the streets or in the arms of some random guy who would make me feel good for a minute and then leave. Because of the environment of my youth, I was ruined for any real deep relationships with men. I was hardened to love, except trying to love myself.
I never got pregnant, thankfully, and I stopped dating men. I just had casual sex with them instead; no sleepovers because it wasn’t going to be serious or long-lasting. I was monogamous though – as one of my friends recently posted “Ho’ing won’t heal you” – so it was always one man at a time, and he had to be single & unattached as well. I’m no homewrecker.
How I got over
So, instead of relationships, I shopped and I traveled. Shoes and passport stamps were my sweethearts. They didn’t talk back, they didn’t break up with me, or make me mad or jealous. They made me happy. Being happy is what everyone should strive for, right? But as a nomad, I couldn’t carry or store 312 pairs of shoes, so now I find my pleasure solely in travel.
Back to the topic: Daddy issues are a trap! Let them go and work on yourself. Seek love inside yourself first and find your answers for happiness, even if it’s a selfish pursuit like solo travel.
Seriously, if your mother and father stayed together, would your situation be any better? Would it be any different? I doubt it but that is their problem, not yours. Figure out how to make great relationships – even if you remain single for the rest of your life – but you’ve got to learn to love yourself first.
Some people think I run away from my problems, my Daddy issues. Nope. I said exactly what I wanted to say to my father; most women don’t have that opportunity. Or they blow the chance because they think they’ll hurt his feelings. Right. He didn’t worry about your feelings, why should you worry about his. If you ever have the opportunity to sound off, do it. There’s no sense in holding it in or holding a grudge. Nothing is ever accomplished by being silent. Nothing.
You can’t call yourself a Queen if you’ve never ruled – and that means speaking your mind, speaking up for yourself, and doing what you think is best for you.
Now I won’t ever say I’m completely over my Daddy issues but I’m not seeking revenge by using someone else to replace him, I’m not breaking any hearts and not hurting any feelings; I’m just happy meeting new people. Sex isn’t a priority anymore; but knowledge of different cultures and life experiences are.
I have people in my life who truly love me. and that’s enough. Period. Being loved, properly – you need to determine exactly what properly means for you – but Being loved, properly and returning that love is one of life’s greatest confidence boosters.
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